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'I used to fantasise about being a mum, but there was just one problem: I'm a gay man'

By Sean Szeps|

I've always wanted to be a mother.

I had a fabulous role model in my own mum, so it wasn't a complete shock that I was obsessed with being a stay-at-home mother as a child.

While most of my friends were daydreaming about being princesses or teachers, I was fantasising about raising children.

There was just one problem. A teeny-tiny roadblock that would undoubtedly stop me from achieving my ultimate goal of becoming the world's best mother: I was a man.

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Dad Henry Szeps with his husband
Sean Szeps with his husband (Supplied)

When I realised men weren't mothers, probably around the age of four or five, I buried the 'stay-at-home mother' fantasy and quickly replaced the dream with another.

If I couldn't be a world-class mother, I told myself, I'd simply become the ideal dad. A strong, reliable and supportive partner who worked hard outside the home to provide for his family and wife.

Because I wasn't straight, I decided to ... bury yet another dream. This time of becoming a parent at all.?

But there was another problem. A not-so-teeny-tiny roadblock that would surely derail my desire to brilliantly raise the next generation of tiny humans: I was gay.

When I came to this conclusion, sometime in the late 1990s, the world of marriage and parenthood seemed black and white. Straight men married straight women and raised (mostly) straight children. That was how it worked.

Because I wasn't straight, I decided to, for the second time in my young life, bury yet another dream. This time of becoming a parent at all.?

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Sean Szeps with his husband and two kids
"It wasn't until four years into my parenthood journey that I realised I had become the mother I had always dreamed of being." (Supplied)

To mask my sadness, I developed a complete disdain for parenthood.

This internalised homophobia masked as a personality trait would stick with me for nearly a decade, following me around as I graduated from University and moved to New York City to start my life.

But then, the world changed.?

Back in 2016, we were unaware surrogacy existed. If you were a gay couple who wanted to have children you did adoption. My mind was blown.

Right in front of my eyes, society evolved and laws were passed. Religious institutions backed down on centuries of homophobic ideals and somewhere along the way, I started to believe that it might be possible to be a dad.

I fell in love with an Australian man who would one day become my husband and then, in a full circle moment, we decided together to start a family via surrogacy in America.

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Sean Szeps always dreamed of being a mum
"Biology aside, mothering is a loving state of mind." (Supplied)

Back in 2016, we were unaware surrogacy existed. If you were a gay couple who wanted to have children you did adoption. That's it. My mind was blown. I had no idea. We did our traditional research and around the same time a female member of my family offered to give us her eggs.

It was the gift of a lifetime. ?

It wasn't until four years into my parenthood journey that I realised I had become the mother I had always dreamed of being.

It wasn't the lack of adult female in our household that made it occur, but instead a natural extension of my personality and interests. An instinct and obsessive desire to provide exceptional care.?

I was the primary caregiver at first, stepping away from my career to raise our boy-girl twins while my husband worked. As I transitioned back to work part-time, I remained the hands-on caregiver, owning every decision that involved our children's busy lives.

I developed relationships and set up playgroups. I was the Healthcare Provider, the Activity Organiser and the At-Home Teacher. I found it easy to be the Emotional Nurturer, the Home Caretaker and The Always-Available Chef.

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Sure, I was a man. And yes, I was gay. But as far as society was concerned, I was a father who was mothering. And I was really damn proud of it.

Sure, I was a man. And yes, I was gay. But as far as society was concerned, I was a father who was mothering. And I was really damn proud of it.

Biology aside, mothering is a loving state of mind. It's a?role I filled (and continue to fill) with equal parts joy and disdain.

An all-consuming, monotonous, thankless, animalistic instinct to guide and care for and nurture the next generation. A driving force to do good and to protect and hold my children tight, doing all I can to assist in their development.

I always thought I wanted to be a mother. Because it was the mums on television and in movies who provided world-class care.

But it turns out I just wanted to be an exceptional dad.

Sean Szeps is a popular Instagram Dad, podcast host and writer. His debut book, Not Like Other Dads (June 7), is available in all good bookstores and online. You can follow him at @seanszeps on Instagram.

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