'Hello baby, goodbye me: How motherhood gave me an identity crisis'
By Brittany Hoskins|
We all know, without a doubt, that having a child will change your life.?
In fact, prior to having a child you probably considered all the ways in which your life would change.?
Sleep, social life, work life, your relationship with your partner, cost of living, to name a few.?
And while I'm still adjusting to most of those changes, there's another aspect of parenthood I wasn't as prepared for: just how profoundly it would impact my identity.?
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Initially, I held on tight and went in strong.
"I'm still going to go to work, maintain my friendships, be the best version of myself in my marriage, to my family, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Being a mum won't change me, it'll simply enhance my life." (insert eyeroll emoji).?
Looking back, I feel as though I started to slip away during pregnancy.
People, understandably, seemed to only ever want to talk about the baby or the birth. No matter how hard I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere, we would always come back to:
"Are you excited to be a mother?"
"Do you have any names?"
"What's your birth plan?"
"Will you breastfeed?"
The list goes on and on and on.?
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Jump to when the baby is born and, of course, it's all-consuming.
Those first few weeks, I didn't feel human. A means to an end for the little life I'd created. I've openly discussed how challenging that first year was, it swallowed me whole and as I re-emerge I'm realising, I'm not the same.
Not even close.?
I feel like an imposter.
My anxiety, for example, feels as though it's much worse post-baby.
Aside from worries about raising my daughter, my social anxiety has also worsened and I often feel I've been transported back in time to 20-year-old Brittany who would have panic attacks before most outings.
All that work, all that growth. Gone, in an instant. I feel like an imposter.
"You don't belong at a bar, at a concert." I feel guilty.
"How dare you leave your daughter at home." I feel insecure.
"People are judging you."
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On the flip side, I feel the same in settings that revolve around my daughter, be it swimming or at the playground, I feel like a lost little lamb.
Where do I belong?
Being part-time can also be tricky. I love my job and I've got so many more aspirations when it comes to my career but realistically a lot of those aspirations aren't achievable - at least not right now and I'm finding it difficult to accept that.?
Hugh Van Cuylenburg touched on a similar subject in a recent episode of The Imperfects.
"There are still elements of my life I'm not accepting that I don't have access to anymore because parenting takes up all that time กญ like the things I wish I could do that I just can't?do, that I see other people doing, I still haven't properly accepted that."?
This hit home and it hit hard.
To top it off, I feel guilty for feeling any of this. For mourning my old self. For being jealous of my childless friends. For wanting to be seen as more than a 'mum'.
For me, I'm struggling to accept that no, I can't go away for work at the drop of a hat, I can't go for spontaneous drinks. Sometimes, I can't even go to the toilet when I want to.
My days are planned to a T, usually around nap time.
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My interests, my relationships and my hobbies have all taken a backseat to parenting and losing the freedom to do what you want, when you want, can really do a number on your sense of self.?
On a superficial level, I don't know how to dress anymore. If I can't wear workwear or activewear, I'm pretty much guaranteed to have a meltdown. My entire wardrobe looks like it belongs to someone else, someone I don't know.
First-world problems, I know.?
To top it off, I feel guilty for feeling any of this. For mourning my old self. For being jealous of my childless friends. For wanting to be seen as more than a 'mum'.?
I should be grateful จC and I am. There are so many ways in which I believe motherhood has changed me for the better, I just don't know who I am outside of it anymore.?
Hopefully, it won't be too long before I figure it out.?
Brittany Hoskins is a reporter for Channel 9 News in Perth. ?
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