Unsealed Section: Polyamorous author Paul Dalgarno reveals why Aussies are still so awkward about 'unconventional' relationships

As a polyamorous man with a wife and a girlfriend, Paul Dalgarno cops a few raised eyebrows when he's public about his relationship. His wife and girlfriend do too.

"I've observed so many times when someone's tweaked or been told that they're in a polyamorous situation, you can see a very obvious change of behaviour," he tells 9Honey.

"Men in that situation suddenly think, 'I'm in with a chance here, that this person clearly likes sleeping with everybody under the sun'."

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Dalgarno has been openly polyamorous for years now and has witnessed just about every possible reaction people have to 'unconventional' relationships here in Australia.

Some people are grossed out, some ask invasive questions, some keep their mouths shut, some want to sleep with you, the list goes on.

As a father, he's become familiar with agonised cries of, "what about the kids?"

"The first thing that does is raise my hackles to think that you're suggesting I'm not a good parent," he says.

"Or that I'm somehow abandoning my children to go and live some crazy, sexy lifestyle while they're at home starving or something, which is completely not real."

These are the reactions that inspired Prudish Nation, his book that explores sexuality in Australia and unpacks why we still hold certain views of 'unconventional' relationships.

After all, Dalgarno isn't the only Aussie in one; he spoke to plenty of other people, including authors and experts, whose romances are considered unusual in one way or another.

The reality is that monogamous relationships between cisgender, heterosexual couples are still considered the norm in modern Australia, even though same-sex and other relationships are on the rise.

So why are many Aussies still shocked when they come face-to-face with a non-traditional couple, like a pair of lesbians or a non-monogamous situation?

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Dalgarno says a lot of it has to do with the outdated idea that sexuality is all about sex and that people who aren't heterosexual are automatically more sexual.

"Sex is a tiny fraction of the conversation and a tiny fraction of people's lives statistically. The issue really comes down to the labels themselves saying something about sex," he says.

"If you tell people you're gay, for example, you're telling them that amongst all the other things in your personality, you like sleeping with people of the same sex."

The same goes for people who are in non-monogamous relationships, like Dalgarno, his wife and partner.

"If you say you're polyamorous, some people can think that means you just indiscriminately want to sleep with everyone, which generally isn't the case," Dalgarno says.

"Some people will say things like, 'why do you have to rub our noses in it and go on about [who you have sex with]?' but it's actually the terminology itself that suggests something.

"It goes back to the same idea that somehow it feels you're, you're advertising your sexuality, even though you are just stating it as a fact."

Another reason identifying yourself with any of these labels can still invite such a negative reaction is because heterosexual, monogamous individuals never have to do it.

That makes heterosexuality and monogamy seem like the norm, because there's an assumption based on historical evidence that it is.

But the reality is that LGBTQIA+ relationships, non-monogamous relationships, etc. have been around for hundreds of years; they just haven't always been public.

That's another reason why Dalgarno wanted to write Prudish Nation and bring these relationships to the fore, including his own non-monogamous situation.

"I just thought it was the fairest thing to do, to be honest about my situation, and I've never been ashamed about it," he says.

"I've had instances, as revealed in the book, where other people definitely question it or seem to be casting some kind of judgement about it, but I'm not admitting to a crime."

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Australia is still an overwhelmingly monogamous country but Dalgarno points out that studies have shown about 70 per cent of monogamous people admit to having had an affair.

He suggests that while there's still a massive social expectation on couples to be monogamous, what people are actually doing behind closed doors is very different.

With that in mind, he suggests Aussies start embracing more unconventional relationships ¨C even if it's not for them.

We've already seen it work with same-sex couples, as Dalgarno notes that the "world didn't crumble" when Australia legalised same-sex marriage in 2017.

"For a lot of people, their worldview is set in stone so there's always going to be people who don't want to go there, who don't want to hear about it," he concedes.

"But I think that's why more stories of this kind and all the other kinds that are out there at the moment are important."

Being open about his own relationships and amplifying the voices of people in other non-conventional relationships in Prudish Nation is just one step on that journey.

The more Australians see and understand non-traditional relationships, the more accepting the nation will become and the fewer rude reactions people like Dalgarno will cop.

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