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I've just returned from maternity leave and this is my biggest regret

By Nikolina Koevska Kharoufeh |

A?s I sit here in the 9Honey office on my first day back from maternity leave enjoying a hot coffee and bravely wearing white pants, I am missing my two little boys.

It feels weird not having my eight-month-old hanging from my hip and my toddler pulling at my shirt, asking for snacks. ?Don't get me wrong, I let out a big sigh of relief when I dropped them both off to daycare this morning, but part of me is feeling a little sad.

Not sad for my second-born, but for my first. The boy whose one-on-one time with his mum was taken from him by a terrifying beast called postnatal blues.

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Nikolina Kharoufeh with her sons Noah and Leo.
Nikolina Kharoufeh with her sons Noah and Leo. (Supplied)

Sitting here and reflecting back, there were many differences between my first bout of maternity leave and my second.

When Noah was born I became completely lost. I spent the majority of my time with him figuring out motherhood. It felt like I boarded a rollercoaster on the day he was born and wasn't allowed off the ride until the day I returned to work

The first few months I was figuring out baby sleep, breastfeeding, burping, swaddling. I was stressing over awake windows, fussy feeding, developmental milestones, ?vaccinations and the colour of poo.

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As lucky as I was to have my husband off work and at home for six weeks, it didn't feel like enough. (Supplied)

In and amongst all of that I was overcome with feelings of sadness, anxiety, confusion and regret. I was hit with postnatal blues HARD, and those feelings consumed me for the first four to five months of his life.

It was at this point I sought help. I started to tackle my issues in therapy and put in the hard work over three months to find myself again. And while I don't regret this decision in any way, I do feel like this stole even more time away from Noah.

By the time I had started feeling like myself again, he was eight months old. And two months later, I was back at work.

Where did the time go?

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?With Leo it was a completely different adventure. I knew what babies were about. I wasn't learning on the job anymore, but rather perfecting the craft.

So instead of wasting four months of his newborn life googling sleep facts, I was nibbling on his chunky toes and taking 3000 photos of him sleeping.

I wasn't feeling blue like I did with Noah. So I had the courage and confidence to leave my house and enjoy the sunshine. Nothing felt as daunting as it did the first time around.

And while I still felt anxious at times, my time in therapy equipped me with the tools to tackle those feelings ?quickly and productively so that they didn't consume me.

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Nikolina Kharoufeh with son Leo when he was one month old.
Nikolina Kharoufeh attended prenatal therapy before her second son Leo was born. (Supplied)

With Leo, I made the most of every minute I had with him, even those minutes I spent covered in baby spew and beetroot puree. ?Eight months later, here I am back at work and missing my time with him.

?Realising how different these experiences were, I am now consumed with feelings of regret.

I wish I had my time with Noah again. I wish I had the chance to spend hours on end trying to make him smile. I wish I had a recording of his reaction the first time he tried a lemon. And I wish I had more photos of him sleeping rather than screenshots of baby-settling techniques. ?

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Nikolina Kharoufeh with sons Noah and Leo.
Nikolina Kharoufeh with her two sons Noah and Leo. (Supplied)

Post-natal blues stole so much from me, but even more from Noah. Don't get me wrong, I was there as a mum. I was feeding him, giving him rest and I was cuddling him whenever he needed. But the real me wasn't there.

I wish so badly I could go back to that time and give him the same experience I gave his baby brother Leo, but the reality is that I can't.

So I'll spend the time I have with him now, making up for it.

You are not alone. To find the right support for you, or a loved one visit www.pmhweek.org.au.

If you need immediate help please call Lifeline on 131114 or call PANDA on 1300 726 306.

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