Dear Dr Kaylene: 'My son has an unusual new habit, should I be worried?'
By 9Honey Parenting|
Welcome to our parenting advice column, Dear Dr Kaylene.
Dr Kaylene Henderson is a highly trained child and adolescent psychiatrist, and one of Australia's leading parenting experts. She is also a grateful mother of three zany young kids.
Every fortnight, Kaylene joins 9Honey Parenting exclusively to answer all your parenting questions - whether you need advice about taming toddlers or help supporting teens. If you have a question for Dr Kaylene, email 9honey@nine.com.au.
1. Hi Kaylene,
I have 10-year-old son (an only child) and recently he started displaying what I think is very unusual behaviour. I noticed he was talking to himself in his room and out in the backyard and few times recently in quite an animated fashion. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was playing with 'Matt'.. who is apparently, his imaginary friend.
I know kids can have imaginary friends but have read that this is far more common for toddlers and younger kids - not a 10-year-old! He is quite an introverted child, but is happy going to school and has a few close friends that he's known since kindy. As far as I'm aware they have not fallen out or had a fight etc...
Should I be worried? Is this weird? Do I need to take him to a psychologist?
Thank you, Belinda.
Hi Belinda,
There's no need to worry. If only we were all as lucky as your son to have a friend to call upon anytime we wanted some playful company!
Interestingly, firstborn and only children are thought to be more likely to have invisible friends, possibly because they spend more time playing independently. And while you're right that it's more common for younger children to have an imaginary friend, there's no set age at which children outgrow them.
If anything, 'Matt's' presence suggests that your little guy has a healthy imagination; in fact, research supports the link between imaginary friends and creativity. They also encourage our children to communicate their feelings and to practise various social skills that can benefit their real-life friendships with their peers.
Eventually, your little one won't need his invisible friend anymore, but for now, I'd suggest that you embrace Matt and the benefits and joy he brings to your son's life.
2. Dr Kaylene,
Sorry, this is a bit of a long story but hoping you may be able to help as I'm really confused and worried about what to do....
My husband and I have been separated for three years and recently signed our divorce papers. We have two children, now aged 7 (a boy) and 9 (a girl). We have been living separately since the moment I discovered he was cheating and while it has obviously been a huge challenge and heartbreaking, I am starting to come out the other side. And I have actually been amazed at our children's resilience and strength throughout the whole ordeal. However, recently my ex started has started living with a woman who I simply don't like or trust. I have met her a handful of times and while she is nice and sweet while he's in the room, as soon as we're alone she won't even look at me and has even put me and the kids down verbally.
This woman is now living with my children for five days out of every 14 as we have a shared custody arrangement. I've asked my kids about her (without trying to sway their opinion) and honestly, they told me they think she is a "bit creepy" and "rude".
Do I talk to him about the kind of person she is? Do I try to probe the kids' to get more insight into her behaviour? He is entitled to his own life but I feel like I have a right to potentially get involved if it's having an impact on my kids and their welfare. My daughter, in particular, seems quite nervous around her.
Thanks in advance for any advice you might be able to share,
Worried mum
This is such a hard situation to be in, isn't it? While I'm sure you'd love to keep your children well away from your ex-husband's new partner, you've been wise to take a step back to reflect upon the best approach and to seek advice.
The truth is, unless you have reason to think that she's harming your children, you're going to have to try to be the bigger person and find peace with this new arrangement.
Thankfully, it sounds like you have a wonderfully open relationship with your children. Stay curious and position yourself as someone who your children can confide in, without having to worry about whether their stories will upset you.
You can ask things like, "I wonder why she said that? Do you feel like you can speak with your Dad if she says things that upset you? You know that he and I love you and we're both here to help as you get used to this 'new normal'."
At the end of the day, you can also share your concerns with your ex-husband, but this is best done from your position as a collaborative co-parent (rather than as an (understandably) hurt ex-wife). Simply let him know that your children are finding it hard to bond with his new partner and suggest that he listens to their concerns so that he can perhaps find some ways to help.
I know it's hard, but your children will continue to thrive if you can maintain your position on the same 'parenting team'.
Wishing you and your children peace and happiness, Dr Kaylene.
Do you have a question for Dr Kaylene? Email us 9honey@nine.com.au.
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