Unsealed Section: Sexologist Chantelle Otten reveals the one 'weird' myth couples should forget
By April Glover|
Every long-term couple goes through periods of intense passion and intimacy, followed by a sexual dry spell.
Call it the curse of the seven-year itch or just a natural consequence of monogamy, sexless relationships (however brief it might be) can be hard to navigate.?
But it's not always a bad thing, says Lovehoney's psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten.
Speaking to 9Honey, Otten says intimacy easily falls off couple's radars because we often believe sex should always be "spontaneous and natural".
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Instead, Otten describes sex as something that takes "work, attention and dedication".
"There is no one telling us that we have to actually work really hard on our sex life, and that it isn't going to be natural and spontaneous all the time," Otten explains.
"If we can look at the last five to 10 years, we can see that there has been a shift to discussing sexual health and wellness and its importance more openly."
She adds: "I think that means people are focussing on their sex life and prioritising it a little bit more. But you know what, we're pretty busy people and we're all trying our best."
Doing things like broadening your definition of sex is important because sex is different for each person.
Many couples worry that their sex life is an indicator of how good their relationship is.
People might wonder, if you're not regularly intimate, does it mean your bond isn't as strong as other long-term partners? According to Otten, this certainly isn't the case.
She says not having sex is "totally fine" and it is a myth that regular sex equals happiness.
"If they're not having sex because they don't want to be having sex or that it's not a priority for them, then that's totally fine," Otten says.
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"Because your libido is as individual as you are. So it's important to understand your own eroticism and your own patterns."
"Really good sex is a just an indicator of good sex and sexual compatibility," Otten adds. "Of course, it can make your relationship better. But it doesn't have to be there, it's not a staple of a good relationship."
While some couples are content with sex not being a priority, Otten has some tips for those who want to reinvigorate their sex life.
She says sex doesn't always have to be traditional penetration. Broaden your minds and your sex life could benefit, Otten advises.
"Doing things like broadening your definition of sex is important because sex is different for each person. So it can be really anything under the sexual umbrella, it can be any form of kissing, expression, touching or rubbing each other, making out, masturbating together, or using toys, or going down on each other," she says.
"There are lots of things that you can do, that can be different from just your basic penis and vagina, penetrative goal orientated sex, that we're conditioned that we're meant to be having."
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Last month was National Masturbation Month, and Otten is a great believer in personal pleasure too จC even if you're in a long-term relationship.
She says it is "weird" to think a person shouldn't masturbate when partnered.
"I?think it's weird that we think we shouldn't be masturbating in a relationship," she admits.
"I cannot rely on my partner to give me everything all the time, because my partner is doing things and working and it's not always available," Otten says. "And maybe sometimes I also don't want to have him there."
"It's super important. Take away this narrative of that you shouldn't be doing it if you're in a relationship, because that's silly and that is also not going to help your sexual relationship with your partner."
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