'I wish I could ask Mum that': Cruel 'double grief' Michelle faced years after losing her mother

Losing your mother is a trauma that doesn't just fade with time but evolves, shaping every aspect of your life.?

For Michelle Cox, who lost her mother Jan to breast cancer when she was 26, this loss became a turning point ¨C not just in her personal journey through grief, but in her mission to support others walking this heartbreakingly unique path.?

"Mum was only 47, so very young to pass away," Cox recalls.

"She left behind Dad, myself, my older brother, but also my younger brother and sister who were only 14 and 16 at the time. So it was very traumatic for all of us.

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"This was 26 years ago and at that time, there was no real support nor understanding of the grief that goes and the trauma that goes with losing a mother.

"My brother and sister were significantly younger, but schools didn't do counselling.?Dad went into quite a depressive state, so he was just trying to survive.

"I guess after Mum passed he wasn't thinking about them and how they needed to be supported either. So, they never had any counselling or support."

"Mum was only 47, so very young to pass away ... it was traumatic for all of us"?

The lack of understanding and support from those around her, including friends and the wider community, underscores a universal truth: the depth of this loss is often incomprehensible unless directly experienced.

Enter Motherless Daughters Australia (MDA), a charity that is a beacon of hope for women like Cox. It was founded by Danielle Snelling and Eloise Baker, who had both lost their mums and were looking for support.

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Discovering the organisation was a revelation for Cox.

"When Motherless Daughters came on my radar about a year ago, I just thought, 'Wow, if this organisation existed when we lost our mum, all our lives would be very different'," she said.

MDA offers a sanctuary for those grappling with the loss of their mothers, providing support, understanding, and a community of individuals who truly "get it".

The statistics are staggering. According to MDA, 3.9 million Australian women have experienced mother loss, with 1.2 million of those losing their mothers before the age of 44.?

The impact is profound and enduring, affecting every aspect of life from personal identity to dealing with critical life events such as marriage, children, and health issues.

Cox knew she wanted to be a mother herself.

"I grew up bringing my brother and sister up, and I was so good with babies and just loved children. But it's not how my life turned out," she says.

"My first marriage ended because we had a disagreement about having kids, and then I met my now-husband, but six months into our relationship I got sick."?

Cox was diagnosed with cervical cancer.?

"I had all this weird gynaecological stuff going on, and my Mum was the one I would always turn to for stuff like that to ask, 'Is this normal?'"

She ached for the comfort of her Mum during cancer treatment.

"I then had a double grief, one of surviving cancer and I was lucky to be alive, but then also not being able to have children and how to navigate that without being able to talk to my mum about it.

"So, I still miss Mum still 26 years on. I miss my mum every day. There're times that I think, 'Shit, I wish I could ask Mum that or talk to Mum about that.'"

It's a sentiment that resonates with many who have lost their mothers.?

So, Cox made the brave move to quit a high-paying job and become the Chair of MDA.

"In this country, grief is often pathologised and we want it normalised"

MDA offers a range of support, from community groups to events like pre-Mother's Day high teas and Meet and Grief dinners, creating spaces where women can openly share and find solace in shared experience.?

MDA's work, including advocacy and research partnerships, aims to provide not just support but also education on navigating life after loss.

"In this country, grief is often pathologised and we want it normalised.?Many view grief as the same as having anxiety or being depressed," Cox says.

"A lot of women and girls are actually prescribed quite serious medication and the cause is not acknowledged.?It's grief.?They are grieving and they need support in different ways.

"We're really advocating that grief is not a mental health issue. We want broader policy change, we want better bereavement leave conditions, and that grief counsellors need to be included on the Medicare."

Through the acknowledgment of grief, the celebration of their mothers' memories, and the push for societal change, MDA is crafting a legacy of love, understanding, and hope.

Cox's courage in sharing her story, and her commitment to helping others navigate their own paths of grief, is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. It's a reminder that even in our darkest moments, there is hope, support, and the possibility of healing.

Her mum Jan would be so proud.