I've never judged anyone for battling with their mental health until I had trouble with my own. Then, I judged myself.
I am going through perimenopause, and the symptoms are so awful that I am completely shocked more women aren't talking about it. Or maybe until you're in it, the topic isn't relevant so valuable information slides on by. I knew to expect hot flushes, but I had no idea that perimenopause can screw with your mental health.
I've been experiencing horrific mood swings, from furious anger to unexplained tears. I've had days where I feel so depressed I just can't get out of bed, and nights where my chest is so tight I can barely breathe.
My rational brain knows these are classic signs of anxiety and depression. My rational brain doesn't seem to exist anymore.
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Throughout my life I've never shied away from mental health issues. I certainly have had my moments, like going through my divorce, overwhelming trolling and a horrible work situation with a manipulative boss.
So yeah, I've had to do some work with a psychologist to come through the darkness and manage my stress, but these poor mental health episodes were obviously triggered by situations or events or the aforementioned boss (quitting that job was an easy fix!).
This feels completely different. I don't feel like my brain can talk my body out of the intense hormone surges I'm feeling. There's no consistency. I can experience the highs and lows in one day, or it might be on different days of the week.
I went to see my GP, Dr Ginni Mansberg, who's also a good friend and has conveniently written the book The M Word about menopause. After blood tests, I immediately started on Menopausal Hormone Therapy กช MRT is the new HRT. (And no, it doesn't cause breast cancer, that has been disproven. I urge you to do your own research at the Australian Menopause Society.)
After a month it stopped my hot flushes from daily to once a week or less. I'm incredibly grateful for that. But it hasn't controlled my exaggerated and really upsetting mood swings.
I would classify myself as a workaholic; not something to be proud of, but that's how I have been my entire career. My mental health struggles at the moment are showing up as a lack of motivation to work. For me, that feels as dramatic as having a broken leg. The feeling of not being motivated to hustle and get more work and to keep my business humming along is foreign and abnormal for me.
I'm also not wanting to see friends as much. The thought of going out is exhausting. I'm heavily relying on my husband, who is an Earth Angel and infinitely compassionate to me. My dogs have sensed a change and are permanently stuck to my side, willing me to be happier. I'm certainly not myself, and I miss the old me.
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So after more blood tests and a mental health evaluation, Dr Ginni suggested I go on antidepressants.
I agreed with her assessment. I knew it was the right thing to do. However, driving home from that appointment with the box of pills sitting in the passenger seat beside me, I started crying.
I felt a wave of grief and searing shame. I felt I was responsible. I had let my brain down by needing these drugs to help me cope. I am scared of telling people in case there's a backlash.
You see, this is where my conflict lies. If this was my instant reaction to it, does that mean I do still feel a stigma around mental health? It's like NIMBY, but instead of Not In My Backyard it's Not In My Brain.
I have plenty of friends who are on anti-depressants and I have never judged them. I have actively encouraged them to get help. Dr Ginni asked me if I had a friend who was going through what I am going through, would I suggest they got medical help? The answer was a strong, heartfelt YES.
I've been taking the antidepressants for three weeks now and I haven't felt a huge difference, but Dr Ginni told me they often take a month to really show an effect.
The main difference is I haven't been as teary as I was previously. Before, I would cry for absolutely no reason every couple of days, and now I probably cry once a week.
Another positive is I'm definitely sleeping better and for a lot longer. I'm now getting 8.5-9 hours a night. I think sleep is so undervalued when it comes to any part of your health. I haven't valued sleep for many years.
So, I'm going to try to cut myself a break. I'm going to try and be kind to myself. I'm starting with a counsellor next week.
For me, the only way to get through this is to be honest, and to share it with other people. I don't feel people are talking about the toll perimenopause and menopause takes on women. I'm sure there are other women going through the same rollercoaster of emotions.
I hope by sharing my perimenopause story, it helps others speak up and get help just like they would if they broke their leg.
Let's smash the mental health stigma กช even when the stigma is coming from within.
